I was reflecting on communication and culture. In some cultures being direct is not seen as a skill or a virtue, instead quite the opposite, it is considered a fault.
I am personally very direct and often, especially in business contexts I have seen this, which I consider a skill to master, being misunderstood, under-utilised and at times even considered a weakness to be corrected.
So I asked myself: “Why isn't directness appreciated?”
I believe because directness somehow removes ambiguity, and ambiguity is often socially useful.
We tend to think communication exists primarily to transmit information. But something we forget and that is crucial about communication is that it also performs other functions:
preserves relationships,
protects status,
avoids embarrassment,
maintains belonging,
and allows people to keep multiple interpretations alive.
When someone is direct, they essentially say:
This is what I see.
This is what I think.
This is what I need.
This is what I disagree with.
This is where the boundary is.
There is suddenly less room to hide. And that can be uncomfortable.
Directness creates accountability: if I say “perhaps we could consider whether there might be another way”, everyone can nod and move on. If I say instead: “I don't think this decision makes sense, and here is why.”now there is something to respond to.
Directness converts atmosphere into an issue. That is why organisations often claim to value “open communication” while rewarding people who know how to communicate difficult things indirectly.
Also, we confuse harmony with health and have an implicit preference for social smoothness.
We don't necessarily want everyone to agree. We want disagreement to be expressed in a way that doesn't disturb the emotional equilibrium of the group.
So someone who says the difficult thing can become the perceived problem.
It's a fascinating reversal, the person exposing the tension gets blamed for creating the tension.
We have developed sophisticated ways of saying: “I disagree with you, but I am still one of you.”
Directness can be experienced as:
“Are you with us or against us?” even when the speaker is simply trying to be clear.
There is also something almost political about it. Indirectness gives everyone room to manage how they appear while directness makes intentions more visible.
Clarity can be liberating but it can also threaten hierarchy, reputation and social positioning.
Which is why powerful people sometimes prefer diplomacy from others but directness from themselves.
We often mistake discomfort for bad communication. We have a strange tendency to evaluate communication according to how it makes us feel, rather than according to whether it is true, useful and respectful.
If I feel uncomfortable after you tell me something difficult, I may conclude: “You communicated badly.” But perhaps you communicated perfectly well. The discomfort may be the message doing its work.
And then comes the gender lens!!!
Women enter this already complicated territory with an additional cultural expectation. We expect women to maintain the relational fabric while they communicate.
Women are expected: to tell the truth but make sure nobody feels challenged by it. Set the boundary but make it feel like an invitation. Disagree but reassure everyone that you still like them.
Have authority but don't make anyone feel your authority.
And that is where directness becomes particularly problematic for women as it can be interpreted as a departure from the expected feminine role.
A man saying: “This doesn't work.” can simply be decisive.
A woman saying: “This doesn't work.” may be perceived as harsh.
And then something very interesting happens, the content gets evaluated through the personality of the speaker. The question stops being: “Is she right?” and becomes: “Why is she speaking to us like that?” That's the gender lens.
Why do we resist directness?
Why is women's directness particularly penalised?
Why do we require truth to arrive in a form that makes us comfortable before we are willing to hear it?
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