Let’s name some of the layers that might help contextualise and highlight a pattern I often see on social media.
You share something, a reflection that comes not from theory but from lived experience. You speak not to perform, but to hold space for others who have walked similar roads.
And then:
A comment arrives.
Polite, perhaps.
Well-read.
Usually from a man.
Often white.
Often trained in systems that prize abstraction over embodiment.
They don’t insult.
They don’t shout.
They contribute. They “add nuance.”
They reference thinkers.
They expand “the discourse.”
People (often white, often male, often from academic or privileged backgrounds) stepping into your space to “clarify,” “nuance,” or offer unsolicited frameworks… No you are not imagining it or being over sensitive. It is a form of epistemic entitlement: the belief that their interpretation deserves to be centred, even in spaces not about them. It often manifests as:
“I just want to offer another angle.”
“What you say is true, but let me add this [derailing] nuance.”
“We shouldn’t think in binaries, so let me transcend your argument.”
These forms of response often functionally decenter, dilute, or invalidate the original message (probably without malice), but with deep unconscious privilege.
It is often a pattern disproportionately directed toward: women (especially those who don’t conform to pleasing or deferential social tones); people of color (especially when speaking about justice, identity, trauma, or lived experience); people who speak from embodied or intuitive knowledge, not just academic or institutional language.
It happens when someone, from cultures that valorise debate, logic, and “rationality”, sees public conversation as a space to prove their insight, rather than to be with someone else’s truth.
It’s not personal. It’s systemic.
And there is more. There’s also an online archetype: the Discourse Expert™, who thrives on showing depth, referencing big thinkers, and placing themselves as the voice of complexity. These people often operate from a sincere desire to help, and from a deep conditioning that equates their value with being seen as the one who “knows better.”
Paradoxically, they may believe they’re being generous, but don’t realise they’re violating a fundamental ethic: respecting the container someone else has created. But reality is that white, male, academic discourse has taught people to treat every idea as territory to be challenged.
This is a culture that hasn’t yet learned to practice relational accountability and humility especially across power lines.
If you have had a feeling that someone might have highjacked your space (either on social media, during meetings, at home, anywhere!) keep claiming your voice without apology. It’s a call for integrity, justice, and presence.
You’re not too sensitive. You’re precisely attuned.
And if this happens again (it likely will), you can name the pattern with care and strength. Redirect your energy to those who show up in resonance. You don’t owe anyone a debate in your “living room”.
And if you have been that person highjacking someone else’s “room” please remember that there are times your role is to listen. To learn. To leave space for what is not yours to define.
If you find yourself compelled to comment on someone else’s hard-won reflection, ask yourself:
Am I offering care, or control?
Am I entering as a guest, or as a lecturer?
Can I make my point in my own space, rather than overtaking theirs?
When entering into a conversation, enter humbly.
Because, even on public platform, is still someone’s room.
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